From Anorexia to Life (My testimony)

Ecclesiastes 1

1 The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem.

² Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
    vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
³ What does man gain by all the toil
    at which he toils under the sun?
⁴ A generation goes, and a generation comes,
    but the earth remains forever.

I used to be a Fitness competitor…

Before that, I was a yo-yo dieter. Whether my thing was high protein, low carbs, Atkins, or just a “starve to death” diet, I was so obsessed with finding a perfect plan that would lead to the perfect body. I would go to the gym twice a day, run for hours on the treadmill or simply woke up in the middle of the night (while my husband was sleeping), to run on the treadmill again (I am not exaggerating), so I could validate putting some real food into my body once a week (usually on Sundays).

I would count every gram of food, calories, carbs & I would obsessively research contradicting information about dieting and exercise, which led me into constant anxiety and I ended up crazy. I could not go out for dinner because ridiculously I asked about everything that was put into my food. Servers didn’t want to assist my table because I was a pain in the __. I wanted steam veggies, with no oil, no added salt and when the food just came to, I ended up returning it back because it was greasy. But nobody on the table could see it, just my sick mind.

I kept asking questions all day long and night too. I could not sleep thinking about calories and how to maintain “my perfect body”. Is the starch in the sweet potatoes going to make me gain fat? Is cardio bad or good? Is lifting heavy beneficial or is it going to make me look inflated? Should I do yoga instead?….and on and on… LITERALLY CRAZY.

And all for what? I was obsessed with fitness because society told me I should be. Just because I won a bikini competition. I ended up dropping an unhealthy amount of weight, LOSING MY PERIOD for seven years, and losing my mind. I was depleted emotionally and physically, although for the outside world I looked like a goddess. I represented “health and fitness”.

I competed for a few years until one day… one simple day, I realized that my body was my GOD, my IDOL. I had found myself so wound up in physical perfection that the pursuit for thinness had completely overtaken my life in every way. I almost lost my marriage, I did lose lots & lots of friends because I was anti-social. And with my family… I missed parties, pancakes, pizza, confidence, and most importantly, my relationship with GOD.

I tried psychologist, books, videos, you- tubers with the same problem but none of that was helpful. My husband was so desperate because he couldn’t find what else to do to help me. Sometimes I was just about to throw up in the toilet but somehow he always arrived at the perfect moment to stop it. And then I stood in front of a mirror and said to myself: What are you doing with your life? You are losing everything you always dreamed for. You look so emaciated and still your husband is right next to you. Do you want to lose him too? OF COURSE NOT.

So I hardly started to change my lifestyle. It was so painful, so hard but little by little I began to get out of it. And don’t take me wrong…. There’s nothing bad with treating your body like it’s a temple and feeding it nourishing foods. But there is a problem with idolizing your figure and health.

All in all, this fixation on creating the “perfect body” is what’s wrong with fitness today. Looking back, I would never trade what I have now to be that size again. I was 104 pounds and size 0. Today I am 114 pounds and still size 0 but I look ALIVE. I have everything I wish for a great marriage, good friends, MY PERIOD and a STRONG relationship with God, back then, I had nothing.